Dwelling in Beauty
In the pleasure garden with the Reverend Danáe Ashley
This year, I’m diving deep into a single word: pleasure. For me, pleasure is a powerful way to connect with myself, with my body, and with the whole of life. I believe that for women, especially at midlife, pleasure isn't just important. It's revolutionary.
Each month, I’ll share a new interview with a woman who opens up about what nourishes her, the self-care rituals she practices, and what pleasure means to her.
Could pleasure be as simple as noticing what delights you?
The blend of black and green tea with a hint of sweetness on your tongue. The soft breath of a beloved dog resting nearby. A plant leaning into the light, basking in warmth.
In this month’s conversation, Episcopal priest and psychotherapist Danáe Ashley invites us to see pleasure as an ever-present invitation to delight.
I met Danae in 2020, when she attended one of my online seasonal retreats. From the moment we connected, I knew we were kindred spirits, united by our love of beauty and magic. She even believes in fairies!
Grab a cup of tea, open the garden gate and step inside the pleasure garden with my friend Danáe Ashley.
Can you share a glimpse into your world right now. What’s lighting you up these days?
I am a curator of beauty, whether it’s outside in my garden, inside my home, the richness of words evoking ideas and flights of fancy, or the warm connection with another. Dwelling in beauty lights me up and deepens everything I do. It connects me to the Divine, Creation, others, and myself.
Three pleasurable words to describe yourself.
Effervescent, authentic, and cozy.
Where do you find inspiration?
The garden never disappoints. I love it in every season, but especially Autumn, as I am Queen Nae of Autumn Splendor! I’m also into historical costuming and follow a lot of historical costumers on social media. Their creativity and love for their craft is beautiful to me. I’m a psychotherapist and hands down, my clients are the most inspiring people I have ever met. They are truly incredible. Books and poetry, of course! Oh, and dogs. I could watch my dog all day. He teaches me how to be comfortable in my own skin.
Is there a practice that you turn to when you feel dysregulated or off-balance?
My main practice is to talk with trusted people in my life. I also have two groups of women that I ask for prayer from. Journaling has also been useful in different seasons. And dancing. Dancing solves everything.
Is there a book, podcast, or resource that has deeply influenced you?
The Anne of Green Gables book series and Buffy the Vampire Slayer the TV Show from the 90s. Two young women a century apart, discovering their strength and becoming themselves, with help from their friends. I quote both frequently and have preached on both in the past.
I love many poets, but Mary Oliver especially captures that every day pleasure in living.
What are the first things you do every morning?
I wake up with a prayer of gratitude on my lips.
I get up before the rest of my household, including the dog. I make hot water for tea and my myriad of pills and supplements I take for perimenopause. In these quiet moments, I write down my dream (if there’s one to remember) to share with my analyst at my next appointment and I read poetry (a variety) and books on Hildegard of Bingen–who is traveling with me in this season of my life.
Is there a ritual you could not live without in your day?
That intentional quiet time in the morning and reading before bed at night.
“I think it’s a vital part of nourishing oneself–to experience delight regularly.”
What are some favourite ways you nourish yourself?
Doing things that delight me! Whenever we have a party, people kindly ask what they can bring and I tell them to bring something that delights them. I think it’s a vital part of nourishing oneself–to experience delight regularly.
Do you have any bedtime rituals?
Oh, yes! I swear it gets longer the more I grow into my wisdom. Skin care is always first. I’m much more intentional now than when I was younger, then oral hygiene, then the perimenopause medications that make my life so much better, and finally I read–always for pleasure–right before bed.
What does pleasure mean to you right now?
Pleasure is doing what delights me. Sometimes it’s serious, like researching Hildegard for my forthcoming book. Other times it’s whimsical, like inviting friends over for a tea party and putting fairy hair (hair tinsel) amongst our locks. I tell people I’m not going gray, I’m going fairy!
What’s the most pleasurable thing you’ve done this month?
I do a number of different things for work and have a fun social network, but I’m a friendly introvert and need to recharge. The best thing I did this month was have a complete day off–no work, no appointments–and took the dog for a long walk and read a book in front of the fire the entire day, with tea, of course. C.S. Lewis is quoted as saying, “You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me” and I agree!
What were you taught about pleasure growing up?
My mother is a Taurus sun sign, so I learned all about pleasure from the Mistress of Pleasure. She created a home space for us that you would never want to leave and continues to do so. Everything is beautiful and she always has tea and treats aplenty. To this day, she encourages me to have a “warm and cozy day” when life feels overwhelming. She’s the best.
“Gratitude leads us to noticing pleasure.”
As an Episcopal priest, how do you understand the concept of pleasure within the context of spirituality and sacred practice?
In the Anglican tradition, which the Episcopal Church in the States is part of, we believe that God created us and the world and called it “Good.” The implications mean that life is meant to be lived with pleasure, not suffered through. This doesn’t mean that terrible things don’t happen, they do. My Dad died in a house fire when I was 24. I have been divorced. I had 6+ miscarriages. Bad things happen, but the difference in this underlying belief that we are good is that it leads us to hope. Having hope means we can connect to gratitude for the small and large things in our lives. Gratitude leads us to noticing pleasure.
There is an Ignatian spiritual practice called the Daily Examen. One of the variations that I use is noticing what was life giving (what delights you!) and what was life draining (our shortcomings) at the end of the day in order to see, over time, where the Holy Spirit is moving. Pleasure is something that moves us closer to the Divine and our purpose in this world.
“In ministering to the dying, I have never had anyone regret doing something that brought them pleasure.”
How has your relationship with pleasure evolved over time?
The longer I grow into my wisdom, the more important pleasure becomes. As an Episcopal priest, I have had the honor of officiating many funerals and it reminds me over and over again how very precious life is. We only have this one life on Earth that we know of, so we need to be intentional about how we live it. In ministering to the dying, I have never had anyone regret doing something that brought them pleasure. Instead, they regret not doing more of it, whether it is spending time with their children or eating chocolate ice cream.
What is something surprising you’ve discovered about pleasure?
Seeking true pleasure is neither self-indulgent nor thrill-seeking. True pleasure is deeper and it does not hurt anyone else, including yourself. Pleasure is not equivalent to luxury, either. Although some pleasures could be luxurious–who doesn’t like to be pampered? I was surprised when I realized that true pleasure connects us with our authentic selves and the Divine.
“Pleasure is about intention - what you are paying attention to.”
How do you cultivate pleasure in your daily life? Is this something that comes easily for you?
Pleasure is about intention - what you are paying attention to. In this way, daily activities can be cultivated as pleasurable experiences. For example, as I write this, I am drinking a Jane Austen Blend tea that I got in Victoria, BC from a particular mug. Both the tea and the mug are related to positive memories and when I combine them, I receive pleasure. I’m also looking out of my Goddess Dwelling window into my garden, which is a feast for the eyes in every season. This is also pleasurable. The question is: Am I pausing with intent to pay attention?
Does this come easily? I think it has as I’ve grown into my wisdom. Life is still very full, but when I was younger, I was focused on completing life tasks and was not as readily available to pausing with intention.
Do you find any resistance or tension in the church when discussing pleasure or bodily experiences? How do you navigate these conversations?
It depends on where I am discussing it. I have a number of online clergywomen groups where we discuss our bodies and what is bringing us pleasure openly. We often take recommendations from each other and provide support. Those groups are truly a gift.
In 2021, my colleague, Rev. Dr. Meredith Crigler, and I led several cohorts through a workshop we created called “Unfurling Embodiment” where Hildegard of Bingen was our patroness saint. The purpose was to gather clergywomen together in small groups to talk more deeply about our experience of being leaders in the church with female bodies. In these conversations, we heard about sexual and gender-based harassment from verbal comments to assault to being so unsupported they questioned their own call and everything in between. It was heartbreaking and sadly, not surprising. Here’s a shocking video from 2019(!) where male pastors read what has been said to some women pastors: https://vimeo.com/335862568
I’m often surprised when people say these things to me even after 17 years of ministry. I am not someone with a quick comeback, so I just try to put it back on them - Did you really just say that? Do you mean something else? It’s really gross and disappointing when these comments happen. We have male allies, but these comments and other experiences happen when we are alone or not in a space to ask for help.
“Human nature hasn’t changed in the 800+ years since Hildegard’s time, but what has changed is technology.”
Can you share any of Hildegard's teachings that inspire you to embrace pleasure in ways that feel sacred and integral to your own spiritual journey?
Hildegard once wrote to mentee Elisabeth of Schönau: “Do not lay on more strain than the body can endure. Immoderate straining and abstinence bring nothing useful to the soul.” I believe this way of life came from Hildegard’s experience with the extremely pious Jutta, her mentor. Jutta was an ascetic and at the end of her life, they found that she had wrapped a chain around her body under her robes, in addition to other wounds and scars from flagellation and other forms of mortification. This type of extreme was also not the way of St. Benedict, which Hildegard followed as a Benedictine nun. The Benedictines had a balance of work, prayer, and rest (leisure). Hildegard encouraged her nuns to live in this way, which has an intention of pleasure. Everything is done in the context of God’s love and, she believed, the soul delights and finds pleasure in God’s ways.
Human nature hasn’t changed in the 800+ years since Hildegard’s time, but what has changed is technology. Hildegard did not have a smart phone or a laptop or TV or the internet, which meant she had to be fully present to what was right in front of her and had to use her own powers of observation. This is inspiring to me to take pleasure in my surroundings, in the relationship with another who is across from me, to pay attention to those connections that connect me to the wider cosmos.
I’d love for you to share about microscopic pleasures that you have recently experienced:
A taste: I taste the blend of black and green tea with a hint of sweetness on my tongue.
A sound: I hear the soft breath of my energetic pittie mix dog, Cooper, resting and recharging for more mischief.
A sight: I have a plant right next to my window and it is growing toward the light. It leans into the window, basking in the sunlight.
A smell: I smell the Bath & Body Works “Bridgerton Study” candle that my 16 year-old niece gave me for the Goddess Dwelling last summer. The scent of smooth amber, oakwood, and dried orchids fill the room with deliciousness.
A touch: The soft brindle patterned fur of Cooper as I caress his restful body while I think about these answers.
The Rev. Danáe Ashley is an Episcopal priest and licensed marriage and family therapist who has ministered with parishes in North Carolina, New York, Minnesota, and the Seattle area and is a psychotherapist at Soul Spa Seattle, LLC. Danáe uses art, music, drama, poetry, and movement in counseling, spiritual direction, and creation of ritual. She has written for a variety of publications, as well as being a contributor to podcasts, books, and producing a play about fertility struggle. Her latest adventure has been on pilgrimage with St. Hildegard von Bingen: speaking and writing about Hildegard, viriditas, and psychotherapy. She is working on her forthcoming book about these subjects. Danae's favorite pastimes include reading, traveling with her husband, making sure their rescue dog Cooper is living his best life, dancing with wild abandon to Celtic music, and serious karaoke. Learn more about her work at soulspaseattle.com.
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